I am a wounded warrioress, and rightly so, because apparently it was known by God that I was strong enough to deal with all that I have gone through for so long now, with all that has happened, even up to these last few weeks.
Indeed… I am wounded, but I am not dead.
There are a lot of ways that an abuse survivor can heal from the wounds of abuse. Once it was that I accepted that I am a statistic I found that this designation made it so that I would think that people were staring at the big red “A” on my chest that stood not for “adulterer” but instead stood for “abused.” And I am an abused woman who can truly call herself a survivor, because not everyone makes it through the ailments of the soul that are not our own. Abused people tend to think at the onset of the abuse that somehow that we are being victimized because of something that we did or said but that is not the truth. When we are abused by someone else it is never because of who we are or even something that we did, but because someone else who sees only what they want to see instead of accepting what is really there chose to vilify it, chose to make it “bad” when in reality what it is that we go through is nothing in comparison to what it is that we will go through if we choose to not speak up, to not defend ourselves and to do nothing – doing nothing is as bad as being the perpetrator. Doing nothing allows our abusers to think that what they are doing is acceptable, not because you would really think it were, but because you said nothing.
Saying nothing is almost like saying that it is ok that you are being hurt, that you are being targeted for sins you have not committed or perhaps sins that were committed a very long time ago. Saying nothing tells your abuser that what they are doing to you, even though they KNOW it is wrong, is somehow ok with you because you have said nothing.
I say to hell with that, to hell with him, with her, and you get your ass out there and you SAY SOMETHING!
Staying wounded by choice is like not bathing after you have gone for a 6 mile walk uphill in the middle of August in 75% humidity – it stinks!!
We get knocked down over and over again, and we do not see the light that we are because we think that when we get back up and we start to recover we are getting stronger and better and unfortunately for our abusers, they think we are just getting over ourselves.
It is hard to get over the shattered heart, hard to look past the idea that there is someone on the planet who thinks so little of themselves that they have to hone in on our “weaknesses,” attacking us where we are vulnerable and never thinking for a minute that not only are they our abusers, but they unwittingly become the greatest spiritual personal trainers that no money could buy.
That’s right- I said it now deal with it.
If there is a way to get through what it is that you are going through, that we have all gone through in the case of the emotionally abused, it is to think and to believe that we are here for a purpose far greater than we are, more important than the self important assholes who feel privy to treat us as though they own us. No more will there be the days of isolation and no longer will there be a day, at least not for you, the abused, when you will be stronger and better and greater than you ever imagined. I know this. I live it, and even though I have days when I would love nothing more than to watch my abuser writhing in pain and stuck in the miry goo that is the aftermath of emotional abuse, the frank truth is that I cannot change the past, and I cannot make different what has been done to me, and that the only thing that I can do about his sorry ass is to not do like he has done.
There are always two different ways that any street will go, and in our case we have the option to stay or not stay, and it took me a long, long time to choose to not stay married to him, to grab what is rightly mine and to be happy and settled in the idea that I came to this decision all on my own without prodding from outside help and even thinking ahead and saying to my best friend that I needed her help and her guidance in this because she gets it, she understands me.
You can choose to stay a victim, where it seems that nothing changes and that all that we are is what someone else who won’t bother to get to know us tells us we are, or you can choose to fight, like the wounded and wartorn warrior, never putting down the shield and sword and never looking back to choose to go back to what is familiar and “normal” for what we have gone through.
I chose to raise the sword, the shield, and to one last time move headlong into the battle zone, unafraid of what can happen, unwavering in my steadfastness and always knowing that this time, I can’t lose…
…make it be your this time and soon, because eventually your blade will dull and your shield will be heavy, and you fought and got this far – it would be a shame to see you give up the fight now…
I Love You All!!