It took a whole lot of courage to remind the person to whom I am married just how much damage he has done to me, both physically and emotionally, and it took even more courage for me to finally do what I know I have to do, and what I have to do is not wait for him to pass away. What I have to do is forget about the past and move into the future.
I told him that I want a divorce, told him that I will file one regardless of what he thinks or says, and told him that the damage done is severe enough to make me shake, physically, and enough to impede my life and my health and the lives of my children.
In each of our lives and through each thing that we go through there comes a time, and more times than not the time has come for me, for me and him, to say goodbye to each other. That time has come. I can no longer allow the things and events and situations which await me to get pushed further into the future because I asked for them all the be, and daily they show signs of Being, and daily I sit thinking about what would happen if I stayed.
Well, I know what would happen if I stayed, which I will not be, and I know that there really is nothing for me to be afraid of. I know that I have the love and the support of everyone in my life, and I know, too, that much of who I am anymore is attributable, both in good and bad ways, to the things that I have gone through.
The things that I have gone through
There are a lot of things that abuse survivors go through just to make it through the days without shedding tears, and these last few days have been very emotional ones for me. Though I feel no guilt for choosing to divorce, there is still that manipulative way about him that has been, for the last twenty four hours, trying diligently to chip away my resolve, my strength and the will that I have within me. I begged this man, pleaded with him, for years even, to just please be kind to me, and it was his option to be other than kind.
What an abuser does not know is that the emotional abuse is far more difficult to get through than is the physical abuse, and it is because a survivor can watch the bruises fade, can check the calendar to see when the cast comes off, can physically feel the pain of a bite mark fade with time. The same cannot be said for the abuse that I feel is worse than getting beaten. Emotional abuse will kill you if you let it remain in your life, which is why I chose this to be.
I had to save myself this time, had to hear it from a stranger that I may need some counseling, and it took a day for it all to sink in, and once the reality set in, the tears began to roll and I began to see mental images of all that I have been through during the course of the last 23 years, and let me tell you something folks….it was not easy, and hell no it wasn’t pretty, but I am here and I am alive and well and can see that there is much ahead of me that waits for me to finally take that last step in this part of the path.
It isn’t easy, and yes, waiting for him to pass away would have been easier, but I am positive that this way is how it was supposed to be. You see, the way of the wounded warrior is never easy. It is rife with pain and heart ache, with failure and the humiliation that comes with it, but it the way that many people never see themselves as being and as living. I see myself as a warrior goddess, the sort that, even through battle, rises above the mess that is her life and sees the confusion and yet also can still see the shades of glory and hope shining through the cracks in the facade of who I was told I was.
Be Brave. Embrace Courage. Live Freely.
The last thing that an abuser wants his victim ever to be is independent of them. Had this man told me what I wanted…no, what I longed to hear for so long we might not be here right now, we might be able to get along, and that longing to hear what I wanted to hear should have started many, many years ago and not a day and a half after I told him that we are through.
It took a long time for me to come to this point, for me to no longer allow myself to care for this person on any other level than that of an angry wife of an emotionally abusive man is able to, which is mostly on a compassionate, human being level. I used to have a problem with telling him that he was hurting me, and it was because he made it a point to tell me to ‘man up,’ to ‘quit pouting and deal with it’ because he was dealing with whatever it was and is that he is dealing with, and right now what he is dealing with is what I had been forced to deal with for over two decades – HIS demons.
This is the part that no abused person realizes until one day they are forced to see a situation for what it really is, and what this really is is just another way of another victim of someone else’s smallness becoming, through adversity, all they are. The bitch of this all is that he has yet to truly accept that I am done with him and more, that he really did need me all these years, that I was not stupid, neither a whore, nor pathetic, nor immature, not a bad mother, and no where near being a bad wife. All these things became what I was told when I told him that I need out of this marriage, not only to make things better for these three kids, but also, so that I could save myself.
These things I learned the moment that he chose to tell me that we could work it out, and when he began to tell me that I was not getting a divorce and that he would not let me, he learned the only thing that he needed to learn…the truth, and the truth is that I am no longer available for him to choose to behave in an abusive manner with me, and that all these years it has not been me who has been causing him his grief, but his very self.
Here’s to new starts….we get one everyday, by the way…
I Love You All!