My other blog discusses the price that we must pay for forgiveness. Survivors of emotional and physical domestic abuse are very good at retaining the memories of what happened to us. I used to do it a whole lot. I feared everything, all the way down to the color of nail polish I would wear on my toenails. We do not need to fear things that happened to us. I know that this sounds and might read easy, and I also know that there are some of you right now, tsk tsking me and shaking your head in disbelief that someone like me would dare suggest that you should just get over what has happened to you.
No, I am not. I would never suggest that, but at the same time I also know that to be a victim who has raised her own self to the level of survivor is one of the greatest gifts that we can give to ourselves. Yet, it is a gift that, even as we all want it, many of us refuse to receive it because we are too afraid of what might happen to us should we venture down that road to personal and Spiritual freedom through the release of the things that we have been through.
This is not to say or to suggest that you can just easily shrug off all you have gone through – I am living proof of the idea that outwardly a person can appear very strong and very solid in their own convictions, but underneath the facade of all that they appear to be and to have there is the reality that on the inside we are very afraid of everything. We fear people and what they might say to us or do to us, and we fear situations that have not occur and may never occur. We fear our abuser will do exactly what they said they would and make good on threats that were made in the heat of passionate argument.
And yes, I sit here right now thinking about how much I do not trust this person even though my reality is no where near what I thought it might be should I choose to stand up for myself, keep my feet firmly planted in what is the truth right now and forgetting about what it is that I might THINK could happen. The truth is that yes, all those horrid and ugly things that have happened could very well happen again. But, when I think about it more and the way that it culminated for me, I know that I cannot ever turn back. I know that I will never turn back. I know that what I did on Friday the 13th of January, 2012, was what needed to be done, not only to release me from what was a love that may have been applicable for a younger and less confident woman, but also because it was just time for us to do like thinking adults do and finally, forgivingly, release each other to whatever it is that we each see as “our lives.”
The Monsters in the Closet of the Past
For many years I have written about the Monsters which live in the closet of the past. The closet exists only in our minds and only in our memories, and the closet is ours, which means that we have the option to clean out the closet or just to simply shut the door. Cleaning out the closet makes more sense, but most of the time we choose only to shut the door, ignoring what all is behind it.
If we could realize that we are the ones who are keeping alive within us the monsters which exist there we would know for sure, the moment that we choose to acknowledge that there is a problem, we would find ourselves to be much better off and that we could simultaneously discover that we have always had the peace we want but that we chose the monster that only tells us that it will hurt us over the reality that what happened cannot be changed but what can happen IS change.
I chose, on Friday the 13th of January of this year, 2012, to no longer allow what might happen to me if I speak up and let this guy know that I am no longer his doormat, that he is no longer allowed to talk to me as though I am, that he is through telling me what I am allowed to do, and that no longer are we married anywhere else than on paper.
And believe it or not, he accepted it that way, and it was not for any other reason than that he had no choice but to.
When we choose to look at the monsters, we find out that the monsters only lived in our head, and that once it was that we saw it for what it really is, it really was nothing more than a spider whose ominous nature was highlighted by the flashlight which was trained only on the past which we feared would have been our future.
I Love You All !!