I like to think of myself as an advocate in training, because yes, my abuser still lives with me in the same house that I do, but this is the short end of it all because very truly his health is an issue. This does not mean that I am not damned angry at the idea that even in his current physical state of health he feels as though I am somehow still his sounding board for all the threats, veiled and otherwise, of “what might happen to you, Roxanne…”
So,ladies, gentlemen, today I am still so goddamned angry about the incidents of the last week that I know if I do not let it out somehow, not saying that I did not give him a taste of his own medicine, I am going to be the one to once again be the fool.
On behalf of all those who have suffered at the hands and because of the words …
…you think you are so fucking smart, all of you, don’t you?
You seem to think that the longer you fuck with me, with her, with them, with us all, that we will never decide to rise up against you, when you are in your neediest of time, and fuck right back with you. I have learned a thing or two about abusers, and the one thing that came through loud and clear yesterday was that you aren’t all the shit you think you are. You have to reach back into the past – sometimes the very distant past – in order to have some sort of something against me, anything against, me, because you know that at this very moment in time, you’ve got nothin’- not one goddamned fucking thing to say to me that will ring true, that will heal the pain that is so still fresh in my head, the hurt that permeates me in every possible way that is not physical, the anger which causes me to shudder at the thoughts that come with it and what I will NOT do to you because frankly, asshole, you are just not worth my time anymore.
I have never had to resort to threats, to physical shows of aggression, and it is because that is not the way that I do things. Yet, I think about all the shit that you have said and done to me, and it makes me laugh that you think I would want you after all those times you bothered to talk AT me to tell me how much of a dirty whore you think I am because if I am not fucking you then I must be fucking someone else, because apparently that is all that I have to offer anyone, man or woman, and that is where my worth lies. Too bad for you that not even you believe that, because if you did you would not have had the very nerve to ask me if I would fuck you later on.
No, I will not, not ever again. I am too hurt, too angry, too preoccupied with my own priorities, and had you bothered to bother thinking that maybe there was and still is a human person living in this body that you can no longer have, no longer can abuse (because you are too ill to breathe without trying to, let alone chase me who walks a minimum of 3.5 miles almost daily, who eats right, has cut down on a lot of bad habits…) and can no longer judge with the harshness that you seem to think is needed with another person. You took the softness that was me, turned it into something that it totally was never, and now you expect me to just be nice and loving and most of all, horny for your sorry ass.
Well, I can’t, and no self respecting woman would. If there is one thing that I have learned very well over more than two decades it is that you cannot demand anything out of someone, cannot belittle it out of them, cannot have respect if you are not willing to do more than bully a person into it, and I ain’t being fuckin’ bullied by another motherfucker ever again, no matter what, because when you met me I was a nice young lady with dreams and hopes, but now? Now I am pissed off, am the cunt and the vile bitch you keep telling me I am, and it is fine that you think so, because this is the monster which you yourself created, so you can take your accusations, your threats and your fucking insults and shove them up your ever-widening ass.
I am done with you. Do you not get it?
Oh, that’s right…I’m a liar…so I must be lying when I tell you that I am no longer available for you for anything other than the most menial of tasks….
The worthless cunt dirty whore bitch